Drink Whiskey

Dear MidNightof the year of 2004,

Drink whiskey.

If I could offer me only one tip for the future, moonshine would be IT.

The long term benefits of whiskey have been proved by drunkards and moonshiners whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than our own misspent childhood.

I will dispense this advice now.

Abuse the power and potential of being underage. Never mind. You will not appreciate the power and potential of being underage until you are old enough to be tried as an adult. But trust me, in 2 years you’ll look back at memories of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how many crimes you could’ve gotten away with and how little responsibility you had to bear then.

You can always eat more than your mother says.

Don’t worry about your big mouth talking you into trouble. The important thing is that you know how to talk yourself out of the same trouble. The real test comes right after you hear the words, “You have the right to remain silent.” Screw that. Never shut up and continue to bullshit your way out of trouble.

Do one thing every day that is illegal.


Ignore anyone who tells you that it’s rude to do so at the dinner table, and retort to them that it’s healthier than holding flatulence in.


Don’t waste your body by abusing drugs. Alcohol tastes better, and if you drink enough, you get just as high anyway. Drugs will damage your brains, whereas a liver is always transplantable.

Bear all grudges until the day they die. Hunt down the heirs if he dies before you’ve satisfied your thirst for blood.

Keep trophies from all your enemies. Annihilate your weaknesses, or just the people who KNOW what they are(Self not included).


Don’t feel guilty if you get away with doing something that society disapproves of. The most profitable past times I have don’t exactly run hand-in-hand with the law, but hey, it’s not a crime if you don’t get caught.

Eat plenty of sugar.

Always have chocolate handy. It’ll always cheer you up, no matter what the situation.

Maybe you’ll graduate, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll get a Bachelor’s, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll actually make it all the way through school to get Master’s degree. Whatever the case, it’s the actual working experience that you will learn most from. Take your chances in the working industry instead of staying in school all the time. The world is your playground. Don’t confine yourself to school only, no matter what your parents want you to study to be. It’s more important what you care to DO.

Sing. Even if the neighbours start knocking on your door with shotguns demanding you stop torturing kittens.

Ignore the directions, it’s more fashionable to get lost and be late than to arrive at your destination on-time.

Always read humour magazines, they will always inspire you to prank somebody.

Keep your enemies one storey below you, you never know when they might spitball you from upstairs.

Be cruel to your siblings; trust me, you can’t wait to move out and as far away from them as Earthly possible.

Friends from school are the best friends you could ever meet. Everybody wants to stab someone’s back when it comes to looking for jobs. School is the most innocent meeting place for allies worth keeping in touch with.

Live with your head in the clouds, because when they FORCE you to grow up, you’re going to have to spend a lot less time up there. Refuse to descend into reality as long as possible.


Decline all questionable substances offered at parties, encourage those buddies to snort/drink/smoke that instead, and when they do, stand by with 911 on speed dial. Follow them to the hospital and observe exactly what kind of damage to never assault your own body with.

Bros before hoes. Always.

Don’t expect anyone to bail you out. Instead, work hard to never Never NEVER slip up and have to be bailed out; because best friends will need bailing out WITH you, and good friends are seldom rich enough.

Don’t bother with make-up products, or by the time you’re in your 20s, people will think you’re in your 50s.

Be careful how much whiskey you drink in public, and in whose company you get wasted in. Drunken party photos have a nasty habit of returning to bite you on the ass when you least expect it. Sure, you may not post them on the Internet, but you never know which of your many idiot friends will announce it to the whole world on Facebook. It will come back to haunt you when you least expect it.



But trust me on the whiskey.

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