You looked like a Hammer headed shark

Hi Clare,

You are probably scowling at this and wondering what kind of adult condescension is coming your way now. You are chippy as hell and always looking for the motive behind the most genuinely offered advice. Cut it out NOW.It will save you a lot of grief.Life seems like a constant battle  and you have no idea where you are headed career wise. Here are some pointers.

Don’t bother about becoming a vet- you have to be a huge science brain and you ain’t. Also, I don’t see you coping well with having to put animals out of their misery. You are way too soft hearted (obviously not a problem with humans for some reason!).

Don’t be put off stretching your imagination when it comes to thinking about career choices. You know you don’t want a nine to five office job, but you don’t know much else. You should try to investigate some fun areas where you could use your natural curiosity, humour and bloodymindedness. Journalism it is then, eh?

Don’t assume that all boys are the enemy. There are some good ones scattered amongst the crop and being a hard faced proto goth isn’t a great look.

Travel more and take more chances.   Too often you find yourself taking the soft option because it’s too frightening to go for the really exciting and unplanned experiences. Have a bit of faith in yourself.

NEVER EVER go to a hairdresser because they are cheap. You’ve  witnessed the carnage caused by the cruddy crimper who  spends more time looking at herself than at your head when she’s cutting. Oh and forgive your Dad for suggesting you ought to sue over that bizarre box-head cut you came home with when you were sixteen. You did indeed look like  a Hammer headed shark.

Another apology, this time to Mum. Pulling the “you aren’t even my real mum” out of the hat mid argument was a pretty cheap shot. You were ashamed at the time. Believe me it sounds even more shoddy thirty odd years down the road.

Remember that all the good things pass really quickly( enjoy the moment) and the corollary.. the bad moments never last too long too.

The Beatles were right all along.. all you need is love and your  very dear friends of course.

Devo were a great group in 1978 but you may have outgrown them.

And finally,  a point about your graduation  photograph:  having bushy eyebrows does not guarantee comparisons with Nastaja Kinski- Klaus is nearer the mark.

If I can sum up, here’s what I would do differently. Trust more people, take a few more risks – try not to be the observer so much.And how about an apology to your sister for her taking the rap over the ruined ballet slippers?She still has the scar on her finger to prove  she was looking out for you. God knows why. And here’s another sorry,again to the parents. ; for all the times  you pulled a moody strop and refused to help clear up your own mess?This will come back and bite you on the ass as you are going to become a parent to “mini-me”.  One further thing.. learn a foreign language properly. That way you can totally indulge your pretentious whims and fantasise about being a spy. Good luck.. it’s going to be a bumpy ride but it sure as hell won’t be dull.

Love Clare


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