One night of anger

Dear unfamiliar-past-self,

I’m going to keep this short, you wouldn’t want it any way else. I realize you beg, wish, plead, and pray every night for someone to come along and aid you in times of difficulty. Be patient. You feel alone – listen to me, don’t. Your muffled screams haven’t gone unheard.

Someone will always come to your rescue. You’ve never been alone, not once. I’m writing to you because you’re at tender age, an age ultimately shaping yourself into something you swore not to become. You have a lot more to learn, to grow into. I’m here to give you want you’ve always longed for, I’m here to help you.

The journals you hide under your bed, your VOICE since 6th grade, leave them alone. Don’t let one night of anger become the fuel for their eternal loss (it wasn’t for you). *Spoiler report* you survive high school, congrats! In five years, yes I said 5 years, you’ll be sitting down in a college dorm, wanting to reread those magnificent entries. You’re going to vow, stupidly vow, to leave journaling behind. You forget how much writing helped to solidify your cryptic existence. Destroying those pages, hiding away the pain won’t stop it. The words may fade, but the hurt and insecurities they stood for will resurface stronger than ever. Only with time, will come healing. It will suck at the beginning, but you wouldn’t want it any other way. Eventually you’ll go back to your roots and journal. That day will be one of the best days of your life, the least, a rebirthful experience. So why wait? Go back while you’re young, full of terrifically-exciting thoughts. You’ll feel on top of the world.

While you’re up there, look back down at your family. You’ve been blessed with a wondrous-caring family. It won’t stop there, it will grow! You’ll love the new edition. Get ready to experience it all, hearing him make a new sound, question the unknown, cry when he doesn’t get what he wants. As much as you think you’re teaching him, he’ll teach you tenfold. He’ll bring back a spark, a youthful experience you’ll come to remember and cherish. He’ll bring back love.  While this youthful miracle brings back love, look towards your elders and share some with them. You’ll never know how long some will stick around.

As your family grows and experiences the quality of birth, you’re going to feel the pain of loss. Papa’s condition will progress, all those warning signs, red-lights you took as false alarms are his way of crying out. TALK TO HIM. Stop being so stubborn. One day reality shall set-in, of course, only when it’s too late. Take advantage of the time you have with him, embrace his presence. Listen to all the stories with particular emphasis on the environment he grew up around. Bring up photography, the photos he took will amaze you. See, I know you didn’t know he took photos. Stop wasting time because as time moves forward you’ll understand how distant of a figure he’ll become in your daily activities. Papa’s memory is superb, out-doing yours by far. As he sits, staring out the window at what he considers “dark shadows figures”, pick his complicated/detailed brain. It’s something he’ll never lose.

On that note, I realize every day you’ll feel as though you’re losing your mind. You’re not silly goose. When you get bullied, let it go, they’re stupid students who live to make others feel bad. They get their daily high by seeing you low. When times become tough don’t inflict pain on yourself, don’t hold it in. Utilize it, express yourself. High School may seem like a waste of time, it isn’t. Schoolwork comes easy to you and I won’t deny you that, no one understands the depth of your mind. How can they, you don’t even understand it yourself. When you get to college utilize your gift. When Mom asks you to sign-up for the Honor’s Program, do it. Stop being afraid of challenges. Stop worrying about failure. The cursed fallibility of humans is natural no one’s perfect, you’ll soon come to realize this (sorry bud).

Instead of striving for perfection keep to your open-heart, it’s a great trait. The world needs more genuinely nice people, please don’t close it off. Stay curious, explore and question everything. Times may seem as though you found nothing at all. That’s when you need to step back and take another glance. Sometimes you need another perspective to see what’s been right in front of you all along. This may not seem clear because your working-hard, intensely repressing it, but you-love-you. I love you, forever and always. Stay gold, past self, stay gold.

- Love, Me


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