As you read this laying on your pink chenille bedspread, the huge ABBA poster above your bed, I need to offer you some pretty important advice.
Firstly, turn to the left, there is something you need to know about those cute guys in the posters. Rob Lowe- he’ll disappoint you for a while there will be a sordid little sex scandal, but eventually you will forgive him and thirty years on he’s still pretty hot. Scott Baio – enjoy him now, you are seeing him at his peak – it doesn’t get much better than Happy Days for him. Matt Dillon – he does OK, even gets an Academy Award nomination, you keep losing track of him but every now and then you wander into a cinema and he pops up unexpectedly on the screen reminding you of another time. By the way, you don’t marry any of them.
Now look there’s a few things you need to do.
- Accept the place at Canberra University to study Professional Writing – you will spend the next twenty eight years trying to legitimately claim the title of writer when three years in the mid-eighties could have got you there much quicker.
- Be bolder, braver, take more risks.
- Give up the chips and lemonade. I know it’s hard to believe the stick-insect, size 8 creature that you are, but you get FAT. So stop now, or you will end up blogging about your weight loss goal in a thing called Project 44 where you lay your life bare to potentially millions of readers. Blogging? Look I don’t have time to explain now, but that single computer in the maths room, it really catches on.
- Lose the nice girl thing you’ve got happening. Nice girls finish last. You need to find a way to release your inner bitch or people will walk all over you.
- Get rid of those drama queen tendencies – I think they keep attracting chaos and stress to your life – and you will pass the drama gene down to your second child who will expand upon it beyond anything you could have ever imagined (and you have a degree in drama studies)!!!!
There’s a few things you need to know.
- Life gets tough (but not as tough as some have it). You turn out to be much more resilient than anyone thought possible.
- You learn to hide the shyness.
- You do eventually meet a boy who wants to kiss you.
- The way you imagine life is gunna turn out? Nahh.
- At the worst of times two little individuals will wrap their arms around you and say “we love you Mum” – and you won’t care that you never made it to being a reporter on 60 Minutes.
Lots of love.
PS The perm won’t be a good look and you need to get the contact lenses much, much sooner.