You need guidance to become autonomous

You are in love with a nice- really cute boy. He loves you too. You are happy now, but in a couple of years you are going to be hurting, really badly.
You’ll experience chronic depression and a bout of anorexia and bulimia, as you experience what you now know was insecure attachment. You won’t understand for a really long time what that all meant, because you did not know you needed help. You knew something was wrong, but you were strong enough to do what you needed to do; you kept plowing through.
You spent your energy taking care of you mom’s emotional needs, and  you had no clue, that was not your responsibility. You were kind JanieSue, that was for sure. But you needed guidance to become autonomous and to know happiness. You  maintained your friendships, you always worked, you raised two wonderful young men. But through the process your face was covered with acne-a badge of your angst, your turmoil. You did not have many men in your life- how could you without a feeling you were a grown up, whole. Eventually, though, you married a man who loved you very much. But, as you’d guess, he was another opportunity for you, little did he (or you) know, to resolve what it was you needed to- and to learn contentedness, and wholeness. Boy, your marriage was difficult, for years. Neither of you had the skills to take you out of the muck-so you kept slinging. You did not have the courage to leave, and that was good-because you worked it out.
You finally got help- and it was when your son’s behaviors became unmanageable for you and your husband. Which you helped create because he needed a mommy with boundaries and you did not know what a boundary was.  You didn’t know where you started and ended- the enmeshment with  your mom was deep.
Your therapist, the one you sought out to help with your son, helped you by providing a relationship that helped you become a healthy, loving adult. The process was very painful because you had to grieve that what you had growing up was not enough for you to become just that. You had to hurt to experience both love and pain- but this time in a healthy, safe and secure relationship. You fell in love with what the relationship provided you needed to.
The pain eventually became more tolerable.  You helped yourself with a yoga, and meditation practice. You learned where you began and where you ended.  Your whole family transformed in to love, you all grew up.
When your mom died, you were peaecful in how you were as a daughter, despite the hurt, and how you were Becoming as an adult.
So, sweetheart. Know one thing- the pain, and it was painful, was your journey. If I could give you one pearl,it would be to wake up earlier. But,I know I am asking you to change what was. You found help, when you were ready.
Alas, your pain was your gift.
You became a  healer for others and a mighty talented one at that.  And through healing others you continued to heal yourself. Good for you girl. Mazel Tov- you became YOU and for that I am grateful!


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